Articles of Faith of Mormon Culture

My missionary mom sent this to all us kids in an email and it made me laugh. Maybe you've seen this already... but they hit most everything on the nose... everything except the part about BYU of course :)

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length

shorts, which are always nice, and in multilevel marking.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished

for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy

soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved through obedience to ward

cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the

Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the

gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole, that is,

if you have it.

5. We believe that a Mormon should

have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate

to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an

ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that

when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be

a part thereof.

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many

Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational

word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books,

crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply

kits, and so forth.

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is

nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we

will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and

important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the

generous application of ranch dressing;

that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe

YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney

will get Mormons to vote for him any time he

runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading

Twilight and The Work and the Glory.

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common

acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the

same privilege, and let them name drop the names of Famous and general

authorities how, where, or what they may.

12. We believe in being

subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of

the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in

obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.

13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts,

optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say

that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the

church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid

schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything

cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after

these things.